And I Have A Name

Last night Master gave me my slave name.

Honestly, I wasn’t really expecting it. At all. But, and I’m still adjusting to this idea, now I have a name. A slave name.

I am now called Kazuko.

It’s a pretty name, but I pretty much went into shutdown/shock when Master named me. He promises that I’ll adjust and love and cherish it in time; I’m sure He’s right. I’m still too overwhelmed to honestly examine my feelings without bias.

I’m fairly certain I like it. It’s Japanese, which as I mentioned in that entry so long ago, feels kind of strange to me. Mostly just because I am so entirely white, and all of the names W/we looked at before, during O/our first search, that had their origins in the Asiatic languages generally have such strong cultural affiliations. It was/is certainly not my desire to upset anyone. Regardless, however, this name feel kind of right.

Even though I haven’t adjusted, it feels good. Maybe it’s just to have a name, a slave name, or maybe the name simply resonates with me. I don’t know. But, it does feel good.

Anyway, the prefix, Kazu, means first/obedient. The end, ko, means child/girl. So, Kazuko is an obedient girl, more or less. It’s a good fit, Master decided on it basically as soon as He found it, I’ve been  informed. Apparently, if nothing else, it resonated with Him.

I am Kazuko.

How strange, and rather exciting.

Dietary Restrictions

Well, today is the third or fourth day of my “Health Diary” that Master reads the day after. It lists what I eat for each meal, plus the miscellaneous things I may eat, as well as the amount and kind of exercises I do each day. It’s almost obnoxious enough just to keep me from being too excited about food at all anymore. The first day I was seriously grossed out by how much I ate. The past two days have been better.

I’m thinking about including a daily weight, too, but the idea makes me feel very crestfallen. Mostly because my scale says (and indeed might be right) that I fluctuate 2-5 pounds practically every single day. Do you have any idea how obnoxious that is?! It makes me feel bleh.

I’ve been incredibly sick the past few days, which at least makes my appetite easier to deal with, though it makes getting up and exercising less awesome than I usually feel it is.

What makes it really difficult is that right now I’m living with my family, until I go back to university, and thus I have not been the main person buying the groceries. This is an issue for several reasons: 1 – my family buys white bread, and this greatly displeases Master. 2 – My family never ever buys fresh veggies, or even canned ones.

And they always go grocery shopping without me! I wouldn’t mind paying for my own things, but, regardless. It’s just been more difficult than when I live on my own or with Master.

Well, regardless, we’ll see what happens, Master is doing interesting things.

Anniversaries and Diets and Fetishes, Oh My!

Tomorrow will mark Master and I’s one year anniversary. At 11:52 pm, August 4th, Master told me He loved me for the first time. And then proceeded to attempt to sweet talk me into a relationship, while He was seeing someone else. But the details aren’t important; the idea that W/we’ve been together for a year is, though.

It’s been one year, and W/we’re finally almost back to where W/we started from. He is finally overcoming the completely and utter evil-mistake-orgy that was the first few weeks of O/our relationship, and beginning to once again accept His desires and to cope with them – not to mention that He understands Himself much better now, I think.

It’s exciting. It makes me feel that if W/we made it through that quagmire W/we started in, and through this year, then the rest will happen too. It can’t be as hard as the first year afterward, can it? I mean, at least now W/we are more or less adjusted to how things work with U/us separated by going to different universities. Well, whether it’s valid or not, I’m filled with a sense of hope.

And accomplishment.

This will officially be my first relationship that has lasted this long – with no breakups thrown in there. The only one that otherwise comes close would have been my relationship with my first Top; he and I were together on and off for almost three years, if I recall. However, we were off as often, if not more often, than we were on.

This relationship is a landmark for me in many ways; it’s taken the length record, it’s my first actual relationship that involves BDSM, and Master is very good at understanding me and doing what He does (especially in regards to M/s). Things are definitely looking up, and I can hardly imagine them not getting steadily better.

Additionally, today I started keeping a diary of what I’ve been eating and the type/amount of exercises I do each day. Goodness knows I need some kind of incentive. Master didn’t ask for it, and probably will have nothing to do with it (unfortunately) however, I’ve put it up on my Gdocs and set it so that He can see it and access it if He wishes.

And have I mentioned my awesome heels I got? I got two pairs – a set of bronze ankle boots with super cute, small buckles, and a set of matte silver spike heels – for twenty bucks! It’s was an absolutely fabulous deal. I wish that Master had a shoe fetish! It’s not that I have a fetish, really, but I love shoes. Almost to an unhealthy extent. My mother even calls me Imelda. But bah! I only have like…-grumble- 42 pairs of heels? Well, before I donated a bunch of them at the beginning of the summer (I really am trying to live both more green and more cheaply, it pleases Master and makes me feel better about myself). Now I’d say I only have, well, not more than 20. Anyway! So it’s not a fetish of mine in particular, but I LOVE the way I feel in a nice pair of shoes/pumps/boots/heels. Oh yes…

Ahem, sorry for that tangent. Really. Oh, boy, when Master reads that about my shoes I hope He doesn’t make me get rid of more…it’s just the kind of thing that would be really, truly cruel.

To sum it up, I’m a very happy little girl.

I’m owned and uncollared, but hopefully the collar will come in time, when I earn it. Maybe even with a name.

A Change On The Horizon

“Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow.”

I’ve realized something just now, and it makes me incredibly happy.

In my life, since…well, since about age 11, I’ve been practically unable to go to sleep at night without some kind of distracting background noise/presence. The TV, a DVD, the radio if I’m not in too bad of a state.

You see, it’s always been a terrible idea for me to be in the dark and quiet; I get lost in my own head, and it’s a very, very dark place in there. And then, the past week, every single night, I’ve deliberately turned off whatever I’ve had on so that I can do exactly that – get lost in my own thoughts. I’ve been frustrated by the distraction, because it’s been killing my train of thought as I attempt to think about Master.

So, each night I’ve turned off my TV and/or radio, and curled up in my bed to think about Master, and to fantasize about O/our relationship. Gods, I love him so much. His being Him, and being Master, just makes me so very, very happy. He makes me feel content, and I…Gods I almost can’t believe I am saying it, but I trust Him.

This time around, I trust Him not to just drop me suddenly when He feels He can’t handle the BDSM. I don’t know what makes me feel like it’s going to be different, like it’s going to be successful even with the distance this time. But something does.

And it feels so very good.

As it turns out, my faith in Master makes a very fine pillow indeed.

Emotional.

As a precursor I’d like to say I’m not in the best emotional state right now, so my writing might not be up to par, and I apologize.

I’m feeling very…vulnerable and unworthy, I suppose are the best two words I can come up with right now. I’ve been reading the blogs of a few submissives today, all people I am at least slightly acquainted with their trains of thoughts via their posts on websites such as seekdiscipline.

I’ve noticed two things that, while I knew were common, seem to be much more universal than I had thought. Both are things that are hard limits of mine, and I feel like utter shit and like I am not good enough for Master.

Why?

The two things that seem to be pretty much constant in all of these BDSM relationships are sharing the slave/sub with other men, and the sub being expected to share his/her dominant/owner/Master-Mistress with whoever the aforementioned wants to fuck.

I’ve always, always known that I’m entirely too selfish and insecure to stay in a relationship where my partner was fucking someone else, vanilla or lifestyle. I’ve never tried to hide the fact, and I’ve never tried to hide the reasons. I’m selfish. I’m insecure. It hurts me beyond anything I could explain.

There, I’m a failure. Who the hell am I to think that Master will be happy only fucking me? I’m practically worthless as it is.

Then, of course, there’s the idea of the D/O/M sharing their sub/slave with whoever they want. This disgusts me. I like to blame my rape, but for all I know, I might be this prudish even if I hadn’t been raped. The idea of Master telling me to be with someone else disgusts me and makes me want to vomit. The idea of Him being there and watching while I’m wish someone else, or participating and making me be with someone else, makes me feel dirty in the bad way. Dirty in the “I want to fillet every inch of skin from my bones and with my dying breath throw myself into a vat of a salt and tobasco paste” way.

Here, too, I’m a failure. If Master ever asked/forced this of me, either of these things, and I wouldn’t be able to continue in O/our relationship.

My aversion is so strong that, while reading the blog of one very beautiful submissive about this very thing, I actually had to go vomit and haven’t stopped crying since I read it.

What a fucking worthless slave I am. I’m not even worthy of His attention.

And, quite frankly, I’m terrified He’ll realize that…

Tea Service Accessories

I have adored tea for just about as long as I’ve been alive. Certainly from the very first cup that I had. Needless to say it goes along that the idea of tea service, and using it as a part of O/our D/s relationship is definitely appealing to me. In fact, ritual as a whole is something I am highly interested in, but have not really experienced much of yet.

Master is also highly interested in ritual, although it really is something difficult to do effectively in a long distance relationship. However, I have been researching different types of proper tea service in the past few days, and Master and I are both interested in it.

It’s unusual, today, for girls to inherit anything like China or crystal or linens or collectibles, because of the way in which our society is structured. My mother, however, did start gathering all that kind of thing together to eventually give me once I was born; however, during her divorce with my father my father took it all, so I have always planned on getting together what I can, piece by piece, over a span of years.

I brought it over to show my grandmother, and after I got it out she went over and got under her china cabinet, and came up with a saucer that matched my teapot practically exactly! Then, it turns out, she has the entire set (teapot, teacups, saucers, dinner plates, serving platter, salt and pepper shakers, cream and sugar dishes, candy tray) and said I could have it, because it had bad memories for her!

So, now, at only twenty and having spent my whole life on planning on gathering household things in pieces whenever I could, I find myself with an entire set of china. I am terribly excited, even though I won’t be able to really use it for a year or two more, until I’m done with school. It makes me feel like a much better…I don’t know how to say it. It makes me feel in a much better position for starting my life with Master when W/we finally are able. With the uncertain economic times, it was never very likely that Master and I would be able to have something nice and mostly useless, like a set of china.

I think there’s some contentness in the idea simply because it is something  sort of, I don’t know, civilized, and reminds me of a time where my wanting to be a housewife and mother wouldn’t have been so frowned upon. It makes me feel like W/we’ll still be able to have something nice, even while most likely putting all O/our finances into the necessities of life.

So, here is a picture of the teapot along with a teacup and saucer! The teapot is the one I bought, the cup and saucer are from my grandmothers set.

I think it’s simple, but elegent. Anyway, I’m excited.

Since I didn’t know that I was going to stumble into an entire set of china, I also picked up three Japanese-style teacups. They don’t match my teapot, by any means, but I think they’re absolutely gorgeous.

So, now I have an entire set of traditionally styled china, and I have the beginnings of a nice blue and white set as well! Not bad, for being only 20. I need linens and such, next. But there’s time, I’m not in a hurry; I still have just over a year of school, if I don’t hurry through it.

Master also wants me to write about tea service in general, the ins and out, but for now I shall leave this entry as it is, and write one later, or tomorrow, about English and Japanese tea service. Perhaps, if I feel incredibly driven, I’ll even include High Tea.

Oh, my, I’m so excited!

Be content to seem what you really are.

Be content with what you are, and wish not change; – Marcus Aurelius

I have always found the writings of Marcus Aurelius fascinating, and full of many “pearls of wisdom”, as it were. I first read Marcus Aurelius when I was, oh, 13 or 14. Stoicism, in a strange way, helped me through many of the things I struggled with. Although, admittedly, they mean different things to me than to many people, I am sure. And further, like all good things, it has meant different things to me at different times of my life.

With the great struggle I’ve been having with wording, both here and, more importantly, to Master, I re-discovered it again, and found that now, in addition to all the previous layers of meaning, there is an additional layer, as it relates not really to BDSM, but my journey to, and reasoning behind, my acceptance – and now, adherence to – my identity as a submissive, a bottom, a slave.

It has taken me many years of nearly constant soul searching to not only accept this facet of my identity, but now to more than embrace it. In the past year, I have been forced to explain my beliefs on the subject, as they relate to myself, many times over. I have, further more, been confronted by the one I had deemed worthy to be my Master as to whether or not who I believe I am and what I need is “good enough” for me. I have had to be strong, and stand strong when the most vulnerable part of who I am is confronted by the one person I thought would understand.

Many people, Master included, have questioned my decision to embrace slavehood as unwise and detrimental. They often express views that such a life is “not good enough” for me, a concern Master himself recently voiced. What they do not understand is, in essence, what I believe to be a basic human right. You must, no matter the blockades you may face, always be true to yourself. The only exceptions are when you are not in a proper mental state to make such decisions, or when you are actively injuring the well-being of yourself and/or someone else.

What it is important for the people who are close to me to understand, and I think, for everyone to understand, is that although my interests MAY sometimes involve the physical sensation commonly labeled “pain” it is in no way detrimental to my well being. Well being is more than just a brief physical sensation, it involves also the mind and the spirit, and I think that those are each involved to a much higher extent.

My slavehood has been greatly surrounded with the sexual trappings, I will be the first to admit. But, I think, that is only because I have never been in the position to enjoy the service aspect. Indeed, my “fantasies”, as such, are usually not based around the sexual aspect, but the service aspect.

In any case, it has taken years of self analyzing simply to accept my desires, and be willing to explore them. In the search, and the trials I have faced that may even be too personal and painful for me to ever share on this blog, I have learned many things, but this quote embodies what is both the first and perhaps the most important lesson I have learned.

Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts. – Marcus Aurelius

I will not deny that there are people whose thoughts color their souls with what can only be termed evil. I will also not deny that I know for a fact there have been a few (or more) of those individuals who have used BDSM trappings and terminology to destroy the well-being of another human being and cause nigh irrevocable damage. These people, however, can be found in almost any lifestyle, or geographical area. It is, unfortunately, what makes the capability of humans to read each other and learn from past experiences gleaned from encounters with individuals so vitally important.

In my own life, I have often sat alone with my thoughts in an effort to discover myself. One of the things I have come back to most frequently is my desire for submission and slavehood. It seems less than a desire, and more like a part of me that is not really separable. And I believe that a lot of this is based around reasons that may be subconscious, and which I may never know.

But there is even another layer to this quote which I am very fond of, and which I think, Master, if I were able to discuss it with him at the moment, would like as well. Habitual thoughts, habits. Those things are things which, in a healthy D/s or M/s relationship, are often the basis of growth within the relationship. Masters choose which aspects of life will both please them, often times their submissive, as well as encourage the personal growth of both parties. Of course their are situation in which one or the other party is more the source who is to benefit from certain things, but it still applies.

In this, when rules are set to change the habits of an individual, this also changes the habitual thinking of that individual. Thus, D/s, in it’s healthy form, is a practice in coloring an individuals soul in a way that is optimal for the growth of said individual.

The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing. – Marcus Aurelius

This one really is not very complicated, in fact, I see it as having an aspect of humor. Many peoples preconceptions of sexual encouters, as well as relationships as a whole, are those of a kind of ideal and surreal softness. Almost as if looking at them through a lens which blurs the distinct lines of things. However, in my experience, it is wholly more amazing to experience the stress of the real; the adrenaline rush of high emotion, the sharp clarity of your surroundings when that occurs. The hard press of flesh on flesh, or a whip or paddle. The feel of your own bodily tension, and the tension within the physical presence of the individual(s) you are engaged with.

Dancing is choreographed, planned, and leaves no room for pause or error. Real life, and I believe that D/s and M/s are great embodiments of this, is more often concerned with improvisation, dealing with the unexpected, embracing things which you have not experienced before, even if they frighten you.

Pain and fear and anxiety, after all, when you consider them physiologically, are almost indistinct from exhilaration and that so-called “high” that goes along with excitement.

Look within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig. – Marcus Aurelius

This relates, once again to my feeling that what is within me, regarding my D/s and M/s desires, since they do the opposite of hurt me, and certainly do not hurt anyone else, can not possible be “wrong”. I believe the exact opposite, that it is actually good, and the embodiment of good things within me.

Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth. – Marcus Aurelius

This section is in here as a special message to my Master, as well as to others who are struggling with the conflict they perceive between their desires and their upbringing.

We are told from childhood that certain things are wrong. We are conditioned to connect certain words – like the word “slave” – with intensely negative emotions and connotations. Furthermore, it is not simply some general negativity that is displaced. No, much worse, it is the concept of ourselves being the evil that causes the negative emotions. The word slave tends to bring about a reaction to wheel back and to shut out whatever brought about what was described by that word. No one wants to see themselves as the embodiment of a generation of people who subjugated, raped, killed, and sold other human beings as chattel. Rather, a few people don’t mind, but I am not going to attempt to address that at this particular moment.

And, in all honesty, BDSM uses a lot of words that have negative historical connotations. Slave, Master, property, owner, et cetera. The list goes on. This use of linguistics can trigger in individuals – often without their knowledge – a poignant aversion to the situations and people who use and embrace such language. The difficulty is impressing on individuals who are willing to learn the difference in the historical use of the words we use, and the new definitions we have assigned them.

The number one tenet of BDSM is Safe, Sane, and Consenual! That is the first step to overcome. Although it is not unheard of, very few of the individuals who wish to submit and/or become slaves have NO desire to do so in order to allow themselves to stop improving. Indeed, there is not a Master, Mistress or Owner worth the title who would allow slavehood to entail a stagnation of their submissive/slave/pets physical and intellectual growth and development. So the most important thing to understand and accept is that an individual who seeks slavehood or submisison is likely doing it as a step to help themselves improve in numerous ways. They understand that they are giving up (some of) their power in exchange for certain other things which they enjoy, give them fulfillment, and are AWARE are useful in helping them to grow into the individuals that they wish to become.

This is something else that I have noticed some people commonly assume, and is generally wrong. It is not, generally, a submissives goal to have no responsibility and to never have to think for themselves. Rather, in their experience as well as mine, submitting is a way in which they are forced to take more responsibility than they likely would otherwise, as well as being a lifestyle that forces them to experience new, different ways of solving problems and thinking.

I am sure that I have spent quite long enough on my soapbox, attempting to enlighten those who may not have considered certain aspects of slavery and submission as well as domination. So, to finish, I will allow Aurelius to speak, as he summed it up better than I ever could.

He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.

How much time he saves who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks.

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.

This last one is specifically for my Master, for He worries nigh constantly about O/our future. Oftentimes, there is no reason for Him to do so. W/we will face it together, and face it with what tools W/we have and use now.

Three Weeks With Master

This will just be a general overview, since there was probably entirely too much for one entry. I would have liked to write a few entries directly after a few of our sessions, alas that just wasn’t an option.

As you may have guessed, while I was visiting W/we participated in some BDSM activities. It all got very confusing, because before/during sexual activities He would call me his pet, property, slave, et cetera, and even beat and tie me up. Then, afterwards, He would pretend like it never happened. He even went so far as to say that at one point that He thought perhaps submission/slavery wasn’t “good enough” for me, and wasn’t convinced that it was “right”.

Oh, boy! did I blow up. I proceeded to tell Him that if He wasn’t willing to “burden” Himself with calling himself my Master outside of the bedroom, then He had absolutely no right to even THINK about what is or is not “right” for me. I then told him that I had been fighting to come to terms with this part of me for almost eight years, and He has only been contemplating the lifestyle at all for 13 months. Then I reminded Him that He is the least informed person to make a decision about the “correctness” of the lifestyle, that if He thought it was so bad He had no right to fuck me in BDSM binds and thus play with my mind and emotions, as well as telling Him quite forcibly that if He insisted on being so hypocritical of what I’ve spent eight years exploring and finally – after MUCH difficulty – have decided is correct for me, that He could fuck HIMSELF and I would find a Master who wasn’t such a “pussy”.

It was not pretty, but I was very hurt. In the end, W/we came to agreements on many things. Mainly, and most importantly, is that He is still so caught up in the social and religious “no no’s” about what W/we do that He punishes me by making it a secret, as if it is something dirty and to be ashamed of. Furthermore, His whole argument was based, basically, on the fact that He still hears AND uses the word “slave” as a person who’s individuality, intelligence, and personality is taken away. Because of one of the ways in which Master is, forgive me, incredibly fucked up, He thinks of people as lower then Him, and is completely sure of His own ability to destroy them and make them whatever He wishes.

Quite frankly, to be honest…He thinks far too highly of Himself.

There are very few people weak enough and fucked up enough for HIM to manipulate to such an extent; however, His first experience just happened to be with one of the .1% of people who was. It has, in some ways, ruined Him. Or, rather, He has chosen to let it keep Him from His (and my) own desires and fulfillment. He has, for a year now, let it beat him and damage O/our relationship almost continually.

But on a high note, He says He thinks that He is almost ready to start an official BDSM relationship again.

I think I have finally beaten into his thick, thick skull that people constantly grow, so the relationship will never be stagnant, and that you can’t take something like this and try to completely transform your life/relationship from completely vanilla to completely M/s overnight. You have to take it one step, one rule, at a time.

I think He finally gets that, and that would make things immensely easier for both of U/us.

If He doesn’t finally get it, I really might just beat him.

In honesty, as much as it pains me to say….I love my Master, more than anything else. However, if He continues to string me along, saying He’ll be ready “soon” and never so being, and continues to impress outdated ideas based around arcane linguistic meanings, I might have to leave.

I need BDSM to be happy. To what extent is to be determined, but I have spent years trying to deny it, and have never been more miserable than when I was doing so. W/we started this relationship with an understanding of BDSM dynamics between U/us, and He has – repeatedly – taken those from me. I am weary of it, and cannot be forever with someone who can not be, at the very least, my Dominant.

It’s been a long time coming.

Well, the past few weeks have seen a lot, at least in terms of my personal development. Since Master and I stopped being, well, Master and slave, things just got worse and worse. It went straight back to power struggles, He stopped calling, I became more and more unsatisfied…we even had one very terrible, very frightening night that I didn’t think we were going to make it through as a couple. We managed, though, and now here W/we are again.

W/we haven’t come out and said to one another that we’re back in the dynamic, but maybe it’s better that way. That’s what ruined it the first time, was defining O/our relationship. Now, I still think that that’s a vital aspect, and once He (W/we) have reached a proper comfort zone, maybe then there can be a defined dynamic once more. Until then, W/we’re just kind of going with it.

Tomorrow morning (the 30th) at like 5 in the morning I get on my plane to go see my love. I’m taking some toys, namely, my Medusa. I also picked up some things today at that ever wonderful place known as the dollar store, to make some really amazing floggers. I mean, really amazing. If you can get over the technicolor aspect (which I most certainly can, I love color!) they’re absolutely fabulous; and with the price of like $2 each, they just can’t be beat. Ha, a pun!

One thing I certainly want to mention is this light bulb of an epiphany I had in the dollar store.

22″ Glow sticks.

Canes.

22″ Glow stick canes!

I mean, you can get them 2 for a dollar in just about any color you imagine. And just picture it: a dark room, you’re bent over, and your Master or Daddy is breaking a glow stick to activate it right over your ass.

Mmmm. I can not WAIT to get over to my Masters arms. And knee. And cock. And….oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Admittance.

Well, I haven’t been around much, as I’m sure either someone or no one has noticed.

I gave in. I’ve been fighting for a long time with my feelings on being able to do a D/s relationship long distance. For almost a year, I managed it. I just couldn’t deal with the long distance strain on something that is already very hard for me anymore, not right now. So I told Mast…what do I call him now? Well, I told Him. He accepted it, like the wonderful person he is.

You see, for quite a few years, I’ve been a different person than I used to be. At one point, I was a person who had a magnetic, enthralling personality, who attracted people in large amounts. I was a leader, and despite what I had lived through, I was confident, and strong, and not afraid of my world.

That ended four and a half years ago, with a specific incident. After that I became someone who I hated. I was weak, afraid of everything. I locked myself in my room, I never went out, not even to something like the grocery store if I could avoid it. For a year, I couldn’t even make eye contact with males. I’ve been really, really fucked up.

A few weeks ago, after having very very tiny steps towards improvement and recovering myself over the past year or so, a series of events or circumstances led to a kind of cathartic reemergence of the girl who I missed, who I was pretty sure was completely dead.

But, long story short, I found her. But the grip was tenuous. It still is, though not as much.

It was this, more than anything, that pushed me to ending the D/s dynamic of my relationship. I need to grab, hold, use, and relearn how to be a strong, independent individual before I can give myself to that. I need to use this while I’ve found it, or risk losing it again, and who knows if that would be forever.

So I need to be my own woman, and not Masters. I feel more guilt over this than I could ever accurately describe in words, but since I made the choice I’ve been happier than I’ve been in years. I feel guilty about that, too. But I know that it is the only way to do all the things in my life that I am capable of.

I’ve always said I’d do anything – anything – for my own good, to do what had to be done. Not to be held down, suffocated, overcome. And I will. Goddamnit, I will. Even if in the end it costs me what will probably be the greatest man I’ll ever know.

Because I have to. Because as much as being His was good, being Mine first would make it infinitely better.

I will be better. Finally. After so much struggle. I’ve finally made progress. I finally feel good.

With the good, the bad…