Brat-tastic Babygirl
Master seems to think that my behaviour as of late is me being a brat.
This upsets me, because I work very very hard to be submissive to Him, even when I’m having so much trouble because He hasn’t even acted the least bit dominant in weeks. The fact that He knows He has dropped the ball in regards to acting like, and taking up the responsibilities of, Master – as well as all the difficulties I have been having due to this – and still views me as just being difficult really upsets me.
I feel that He does not fully appreciate the difficulties that He is placing me under. He has forced me to take the dominant role for quite some time now. For almost the entire first year, I was quiet and I waited and I gave Him all the time He needed – and then some! – and I kept taking control and taking responsibility and being the strong one and you know what? He waited too fucking long, and put me through too much. I was at once being the one who DID everything – both taking care of myself AND Him – and yet had to submit when He got “the itch”.
Then He makes promises about things He will do and does not carry through, and this has been going on for a year. Now He expects me to just be able to drop it all and completely trust Him and submit because He’s finally ready? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad He’s finally ready. But it’s a little too late for me to just hand it over.
With all the times He fell through on promises and dominance of any kind, with all the time He needed, I feel He has to earn His right to my submission. I’m not going to just do it because He wants it. I have been doing anything He “just wants” for a year to try and get Him to trust Himself enough to engage in this as more than just a “when it suits Him” thing. Now He’s ready, and I’m grateful and that’s awesome.
But quite frankly, He can’t just say He’s ready. He has said many things that were as good as useless. He must prove it.
I will not take it until He proves it.
It upsets Him. Rightfully so, yes. However, He does accept (at least in words) that He dropped the ball.
But He doesn’t get that He’s going to have to take control, because as much as I try to just give it to Him now, I can not.
If He wants me as a slave, He is going to have to prove that He is capable of being a responsible Master.
He is going to have to stop not letting me orgasm for a month simply because it doesn’t occur to Him. He is going to have to keep His promises when He makes them. He is going to have to be dominant.
Honestly, I don’t think it’s that much to ask. If He can do it, I’m His again.
If He can’t, then O/our dynamic is pointless.
It’s an incredibly depressing state of things to say it so bluntly, but those are the facts.
He used to drop me into subspace at the drop of a single word or phrase. He used to be able to dominate me without me laughing at it like it was a bloody joke.
And you know whatn another unpleasant but necessary to realize part is?
If He can’t discipline me so that I believe He means what He says and is actually a dominant personality, then it won’t work.
It’s a shame that it has fallen this far, because I am a very very good slave. But He has ignored that for so long that I no longer feel any desire to show Him; I proved it to Him a thousand times over, I did things for Him that nearly broke my soul to do simply because He requested it, I did more for Him than any other person would do for someone who is as He is.
But He has let it fall this far, and I tried so very hard, for so very long, not to give in. But even I am not invincible.
I wash my hands of the responsibility for this because I have done nothing but try, and still am, and He is the one who is not doing even the bare minimum to properly take care of me.
It gets fixed, or it ends. Those are the only options left.
What a sad state of affairs that is.
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