Limitbreaker.

And, specifically, why they should be set and discussed – by BOTH parties – in the beginning of the relationship!
Tonight Master decided to tell me that He was going to have me speak in third person at least some of the time. I fucking lost it, folks.

I have many, many reasons. Firstly there is the mere fact that I am a writer in the English language, and I view the subtlety and form of that language important and beautiful. I also see it, in my opinion, as a “basic human fucking right”, as I informed Master.

Additionally, it is one of my biggest pet peeves when someone speaks or types in the third person (although I appreciate that some D / O / M’s require that of their bottoms, and respect that and hold it against no one) simply because it is, to my English sensitivities, a perversion of the language.

Then of course there’s the issue that I see it as a way to disregard someones individuality.

This might not be an issue, if Master had been acting at all Masterful. As it was, I blew up on Him for suggesting that I should become less than I am at all, let alone when He had hardly been fulfilling His responsibilities as Master.

I realize all that is harsh, and even out of place. As I said, I blew up and lost it. A lot of tensions were boiling and He had not allowed me to speak of any of them, so they all poured out in this conversation.

It was generally a very bad night. He asked me if it was something I was willing to work on, and I told him, competely honestly, that I would rather not be with Him than ever be forced to speak in the third person.

Most would probably say that I am topping from the bottom, or something of the like. By some definitions maybe I was.

But the issue is deeper than just my linguistic distaste for it. Emotionally and mentally the idea makes me want to open a vein – which is, unfortunately, something I have attempted to do more than once, and as I am in a very bad place already emotionally, is not good to provoke further, even though I do my best not to breakdown. There are reasons for this; specifically, when I was raped at 11. One of the things that Troy liked ever so much to do was to force me to refer to myself not with personal pronouns. Both before, during, and after the rape I would say something with “I” or the like and he would stop me and repeat something like “You mean slut.” over and over until I said it like that – usually crying either from the hit that had already come or the fear of the one I knew might be.

I will never do it. I don’t think even in 20 years I would be able to.

The very idea breaks me, makes me cry almost unstoppably.

And as I told Master, this is the reason I tried so many times to get him to make a list of “Must haves” “Would likes” and “Won’t do’s”! But He refused, each and every time, and so it is not really my fault that He found this out the way He did. If He would have done that VERY IMPORTANT step at the beginning of O/our explorations of M/s like I asked and begged him to so many times, it wouldn’t have been an issue because He would have known. Instead, He never bothered.

Not to say I had an honest right to treat Him the way I did, because as far as M/s goes, I didn’t. However, with the addition of the difficulties W/we’ve been having and the complete and utter lack of His dominance in my life – not even sexually or with rules – I felt no restraint was deserved.

Even now, reading this and knowing I will probably gain the disdain of M-types and s-types alike for my behaviour, I do not feel any guilt, just sadness at how it played out.

The simple fact of it is, however, that if He would have agreed to do one of the things  I – and I’m sure other people as well – told Him so many times were SO important, then it would never have happened.

~ by beauteousthrall on August 18, 2009.