Admittance.
Well, I haven’t been around much, as I’m sure either someone or no one has noticed.
I gave in. I’ve been fighting for a long time with my feelings on being able to do a D/s relationship long distance. For almost a year, I managed it. I just couldn’t deal with the long distance strain on something that is already very hard for me anymore, not right now. So I told Mast…what do I call him now? Well, I told Him. He accepted it, like the wonderful person he is.
You see, for quite a few years, I’ve been a different person than I used to be. At one point, I was a person who had a magnetic, enthralling personality, who attracted people in large amounts. I was a leader, and despite what I had lived through, I was confident, and strong, and not afraid of my world.
That ended four and a half years ago, with a specific incident. After that I became someone who I hated. I was weak, afraid of everything. I locked myself in my room, I never went out, not even to something like the grocery store if I could avoid it. For a year, I couldn’t even make eye contact with males. I’ve been really, really fucked up.
A few weeks ago, after having very very tiny steps towards improvement and recovering myself over the past year or so, a series of events or circumstances led to a kind of cathartic reemergence of the girl who I missed, who I was pretty sure was completely dead.
But, long story short, I found her. But the grip was tenuous. It still is, though not as much.
It was this, more than anything, that pushed me to ending the D/s dynamic of my relationship. I need to grab, hold, use, and relearn how to be a strong, independent individual before I can give myself to that. I need to use this while I’ve found it, or risk losing it again, and who knows if that would be forever.
So I need to be my own woman, and not Masters. I feel more guilt over this than I could ever accurately describe in words, but since I made the choice I’ve been happier than I’ve been in years. I feel guilty about that, too. But I know that it is the only way to do all the things in my life that I am capable of.
I’ve always said I’d do anything – anything – for my own good, to do what had to be done. Not to be held down, suffocated, overcome. And I will. Goddamnit, I will. Even if in the end it costs me what will probably be the greatest man I’ll ever know.
Because I have to. Because as much as being His was good, being Mine first would make it infinitely better.
I will be better. Finally. After so much struggle. I’ve finally made progress. I finally feel good.
With the good, the bad…
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