What? Where? Since When?
“Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Domme.” “Domme who?” “Me, apparently.”
As time goes on, my sadistic side is coming out more and more. Now, I love being beaten, flogged, spanked; I love toys and clamps and clothespins and knives and fire all of the really fun stuff.
I’ve known for a long time that I’ve got a bit of a sadistic streak. I have often found myself thinking of hurting people and being pleased as punch by it. I have never entertained the idea of being a Domme, in no way shape or form. It wouldn’t make me happy. Now, a top, that is something that recently has been percolating in my mind. Not as a desire, just acknowledging to myself that I think – well, I’m pretty damned sure – that I have the capacity for that.
I’m not interested in power games with the people I fantasize about whipping or waxing or “torturing”. Well, except for the fact that I’m interested in tying them up and making them helpless so that I can hurt them more effectively.
Really, this is quite strange for me to be feeling, and I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it. I’ve always suppressed my sadistic urges (for what are probably obvious reasons) and embraced my masochistic ones. I have noticed recently, though, that since I started making my own implements and toys and have been using them on myself, out of a necessity to ensure they work, (not that I’m pretending I don’t enjoy it – I love it!) my sadistic side has been more prevalent. I suppose that it’s a great big sadomasochistic orgy in my brain/body.
The thing about it is, I’ve actually found myself wanting to act out on someone else my urges. Now, I have no plans to. Not for a long time, at least, until I’m comfortable with the whole thing and more in charge of it. To be honest, I think that in many cases I would only want to whip or Top someone with absolutely no intention but to make them hurt. This, I’m well aware, is not good. It’s supposed to be about bringing the bottom pleasure, in my understanding.
There are a few select individuals who I might be interested in topping for more than just causing them pain. They are few and far between, and mostly women. Perhaps this is because I have issues with respecting men and only ever feel the need to dominate them when I find them disrespectable and pathetic. There is a single exception to that though, as I can think of one male I wouldn’t mind beating and playing with as more of a Domme than just a top.
Really, in short, I’m just rather bewildered by this at the moment. I know I’m not a switch, sometimes I just want to beat something. Preferably something bound and naked. With a nice flogger.
Perhaps I shall just chalk it up to reading The Loving Dominant and both Miss Abernathys books in such quick succession. However, I don’t think that was it. At least, not all of it.
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